I AM BACK!!!!!!

Wow!!  I can’t believe how long it’s been since my last post. Time sure flies when you are having fun. Lol!  But I’m back now!!  My goal is to make more posts about current issues in our society.  Here’s to a New Year!!!!!  2023 here I come!!!! 

Our True Color.

And the new President of the United States of America is Donald Trump!!!!  That's it!  That is who the country elected as the new leader of this great nation.

However, I have never felt sick to my stomach due to the outcome of an election before.  This was the first time I have ever voted in my life, the first time!  You see, only 1 year ago I became a US citizen, even though I have lived here for 20 years.  I was very excited to be able to exert my citizen duty and cast a vote.  I thought about how important, and sometimes forgotten, that women were not allowed to vote until 1920.  So, not only I, a woman, a new citizen of this great country, would be voting for the first time, but I would also be voting for a woman.

So I was a bit emotional when I went to cast my vote, and afterwards I felt the need to go home and talk to my girls about Susan B. Anthony.   I then explained to my girls how important it was for us to vote not just because Susan Anthony fought so hard to give us that voice, but because as a citizen, you should take part in this important event.


Nobody is flawless, the two major candidates were not perfect, because in reality, nobody is.  No matter the outcome of the election, some would be happy and some would not.   That is what it is, you can't please everyone.  And I get this, I understand that, and I am telling myself and my kids that we will be OK.  We need to give Trump a chance to show us all, that he can do good.  I have to keep telling myself that, I have to, otherwise there is no hope.


But I'm upset.  I'm very upset, and I still can't believe that this is real, because it just seems like a very bad joke. What is upsetting to me is not even that Hillary Clinton did not win, but the problem is that Trump was the one who won.  Trump, an individual who is the worst role model for our nation, and an individual who does things that we should never do.   Trump's behavior during the election, from his vulgar tones to his mockery and cruelty towards others, set a very perverse example of how to attain what you want.  He showed the world, that you can win by being arrogant, rude, under prepared and crude.  He showed people that money and power are more important than human decency.   He showed us that it is acceptable to grope and diminish women.   But most importantly, he showed us all that a large percentage of our citizens applaud these types of behavior.


 This election told us more about ourselves as individuals than about Trump. This entire process shed light in the fact that there is a lot more darkness in our country then we wish there was.   Trump winning showed us just how much hatred, misogyny and discrimination there really are in the USA.  Who knows, but maybe he did us all a favor and got people to expose their true colors.

Election 2016

Wow!   That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think of this election.  Wow!!!
It seems like a bad joke, or maybe just a very bad dream.  I can't believe that someone like Trump could make it this far into the election process.   Who knows, perhaps I will wake up one day and realize that this was just a bad dream, and that people do have the common sense to not want someone like that to lead us.


The more I watch this man on television the more hopeless I get.   This is the exact type of person I teach my kids to stay away from.  His actions are the exact type of behavior that I teach my kids not to do.  He is who I will teach my baby boy not to be, and he is who I will teach my pre-teen girls to stay away from.   He is everything that I don't want my kids to be.....   And  how can I explain to them that he may be the next president of the United States.  


I used to believe that being the president was the most prestigious, most influential, and  most important position someone could ever attain.  And that scares me!   How can we have someone in the oval office like him???     He is disrespectful, he bullies his way around the world, he is immature, he is rude, he is arrogant, he is inexperienced, and he believes he is better than everyone.

This man does not inspire others to be tolerant of diversity, even though we live in a world that is filled with different races. How can you relate to others, how can you make allies with others, and how can you bring people together, when your morals and values are so corrupted by money and the need for power?


What upsets me the most is that people are okay with having a "bully" for president.   The contradiction is painful!   We teach kids to not be bullies, but our future president could be the biggest bully we have ever been explicitly exposed to.   Instead of reprimanding him, some are applauding his immature behavior.    What happened to simple human decency ?????  

HELP!!!!

Just another typical day at work, you know the typical ritual of answering emails, talking to students and teaching, or so I thought.   Ten minutes into my last class of the day, a female student who was seated at her desk turned towards the floor to get the books she had dropped, however she never came back up.  She had passed out in class, right there right then.  So what?  That has happened before to many of us, students pass out for many different reason in many different classes.  But this one student in my class today did not surprise me at all when she passed out.  See, this female student has been dealing with eating disorders for about 7 years and what is even worse is the fact that she is only 17yo.    

I had noticed her facial expressions when we talked about certain topics in class, and even when she walked out of class when we were watching a video about anorexia.  I knew that she was struggling with the “horrible” thought of being fat; however I had no idea of how much suffering she was going through.

Why does this bother me so much????  Why does it devastate me so much????

Four days ago, as I was driving my 6yo daughter back home after her indoor soccer practice, she said she was hungry.  I opened my purse and I handed her a small bag of chips because that was the only thing that I had at the time.  She got excited and after a few minutes of eating the chips she handed me the bag and said:

“Here mommy, I am done, I don’t want to eat all of it because I don’t want to be fat”

What????  My baby, my daughter, my 6yo daughter is hungry and doesn’t want to eat because she is afraid of being fat!!!  All of a sudden I felt angry and replied, “Mel you don’t need to worry about that!”  Yes I was angry! I was very angry that my baby was already afraid of being fat, that she was already concerned about not eating too much, that she was already worried about what she looks like, but most of all, I was pissed for the fact that she is only 6 and this worry should not be anywhere close to her head right now!  Soon that anger turned into sadness and fear. 

Then very calmly I said, “Mel honey, you just played soccer and you are hungry, it is ok to eat!”  What she said next was even more shocking to me: “but mom when I move my legs it jiggles,” while pointing to her inner thighs, “do your legs jiggle too when you move?”  “Oh yea Mel, my legs jiggle too, everyone’s leg jiggles.”  “But Mel, why are you thinking about that?” I asked.   “I don’t know mommy, I just see people and I don’t want to be fat.” 

I didn’t know what else to say, do I make it a big deal and keep asking questions?  Do I talk about it as a matter of fact?  What do I do????  “Mel you need to eat to grow, to have strong muscles, to be able to learn at school, to be able to play sports and not be tired, you need to eat to be healthy.”  And that was the end of the conversation.

So, today I come to work and have my 17yo student pass out in class because of her eating disorder and now I am more than afraid, I am terrified by the idea that my child may be its next victim. 

I am writing this post asking for support, advice, ideas, anything to help me figure out what to do now to prevent her from being that 17yo girl.  Can I do something?  Anything?  Can WE do something about it????

March on Springfield for Marriage Equality

Should we interfere on your choice of whom you want to marry?  Should we care about what you do or do not do in the privacy of your own home?  Should we deprive people from being at the bedside of their dying loved ones?  Should we care even though it has nothing to do with us? ...............  Then why so many people want to dictate who you should or should not marry?  Who are we to tell anyone who they should love or not love? 

We are all the same, we are people, we deserve to be happy no matter who we decide to love.  October 22nd, 2013, there will be a march here in Springfield, IL for Marriage Equality.  Let's support those who are just seeking happiness.

MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

My worst nightmare happened on July 16th, 2013...   While having lunch with my 6yo daughter at a cafe, she said to me: "mommy I want to be just like you, skinny!"  I know what you are thinking, but it is NOT what you are thinking!

M.I.  often says that she wants to be like me, and that we are twins.  She does look a lot like me, however much prettier, and she has heard many people say how much we look alike and that we could be twins.  So, that statement of wanting to be just like mommy was just fine, what got to me was the last part.  The part when she said "skinny."  

So, going back to that conversation.  I said "mommy is not skinny, and why do you want to be skinny?"   She then said that she did not want to carry a belly, as she made movements with her arms around her belly.   So, I played dumb and told her that I didn't understand what she was saying.  "You know mom, I don't want to be......... I can't say that bad word."  What bad word?, I asked.  She said "I don't want to hurt people's feelings."  Just tell me in my ear and nobody will hear, I replied.  Then M.I. said, "I don't want to be fat, I want to be skinny."  As I was trying to keep it calm, so that she didn't think this conversation was a big deal, I casually asked.  "Why do you want to be skinny?"  Her reply: "because being skinny is prettier."

Yep..... my own daughter, my 6yo baby girl, my perfect child, already talking to me about NOT wanting to be FAT!   OMG!!!!  I can't believe that this is happening and she is only 6yo!!!   My husband and I try so hard to make sure we teach our girls that looks don't mean a thing.  It doesn't matter if you are tall or short, skinny or fat, poor or rich, blue or orange....... the only thing that matters is if you are a good person or not.  We are both psychologists and therefore aware of the pressure that society puts on girls to be skinny, beautiful and sexy.  We grow up with Barbie Dolls, and now Bratz dolls, and Monster High dolls.  And lets not forget all the princesses and how they all look skinny, sexy, tall and beautiful.  We are also very aware of the eating disorder epidemic that surrounds teenagers, specially teenage girls. 

In a study done by Ackard et al. (2007), showed that from a sample of 4,746 middle and high school students, 41.5% of girls and 24.9% of boys reported having body image issues.  Females with anorexia nervosa have a mortality rate 12 times higher than the general population, specially for those between the ages of 15 to 24 (Sullivan, 2002).  Even kids as young as 7 have been known to develop eating disorders (Bryant- Waugh & Lask, 2002).

So, when my 6yo daughter tells me that she wants to be skinny and that she doesn't want to be fat, I couldn't help it but feel a bit of a panic scream starting inside of me.  And, as I was trying so hard to keep my cool, I managed to say that it should not matter if you are skinny or fat, as long as you eat healthy and have a healthy heart.  And off course that she doesn't have to worry about being skinny or fat, she just needs to be healthy. 

Then just like that the conversation was over, but I could not stop wondering if it was my fault.  Did my husband and I unknowingly made comments about ourselves, or each other, or other people?  And if we did, did we say it in front of the girls?  So, as we entered the car to leave, I casually asked.  "Have mom or dad ever said anything about being skinny or fat?"  She answered no.  "Did you see it on TV or heard someone else at camp?"  She replied: "no, I just got that from my head."   "OK!" I replied and we left it at that.

How has she already made the association between skinny and beautiful?  Is my child that intelligent that she, unfortunately, has already learned society's expectations of beauty?  Did watching Cinderella made her want to be skinny?  Was it a commercial she saw?  Maybe she heard someone teasing somebody else.  Maybe it was me!  Maybe I didn't do a good job telling her that she is beautiful just the way she is.  Maybe I should tell her  more often that she should not want to be like anyone else, but that she should want to be just like HERSELF.  Maybe I should emphasize that it doesn't matter if you are skinny or fat, as long as your heart is healthy.  Maybe I haven't said that enough, I have said it occasionally, but maybe it wasn't enough, maybe I can do better as a mom, maybe.......

Santa Monica College and the USA

"Another shooting!  Another shooting in a college campus and five are dead!"  Said my husband as I walked into the living room yesterday.  "Are you serious?" I said.  

And I say it again, "are you serious?"   I keep trying to understand why these things seem to be happening more and more often.  I want to find someone to blame!  I want to blame someone!!!!  Maybe if we can find who is responsible for this, then we can try to solve it, maybe even stop it from happening again.    

But who is to blame?  What is to blame? I don't know, I don't have the answers.   I just have more questions.  Right now all I can think is...how much pain can a person endure before they break down? 

What I am trying to say is that; nobody wakes up one morning and decide to go kill people......  Something must have happened, something must have triggered that anger!  Perhaps the only way out of their crappy situation was to do these horrible acts of violence.   For example: a suicidal individual usually sees ending his/her life as the only way to end their suffering.  I'm sure there are better ways to resolve the situation, but for them, death is the only answer.   

So, when I heard of the shooting at the Santa Monica College yesterday, I pondered......  What makes someone do that?  how much pain and suffering was he feeling, to think that taking lives was the only solution?  How lonely was he when he made that decision?  And to me the most important question of all: for how long was he suffering alone before sharing the pain with his rifle?  

So as I sit here drenched in sorrow for those who lost loved ones, I am also devastated that we didn't do a better job at landing a hand to those who needed help, when they needed help.    

What is the future going to be like? Are parents still teaching compassion, love, tolerance, respect to their children?  Is society teaching it's citizen that we should work together to the betterment of all of us?  I want to save the world, I want to make the world a better place for my kids, for me, for US.... But it is just me against billions. 

If you are fat you are not cool?????

I just had one of my students admitted to an inpatient treatment facility because of an eating disorder.  
So I sit here and ponder... How many others are out there consumed with the idea of NOT being FAT? 
How many girls and boys are worried about how they look?  How many people hate their bodies?  How many others are out there hating themselves? How many????  
So as I sit here,  I get angry, sometimes frustrated, sad, but mostly very angry.  I get very angry because I worry that my girls will also be victims of this ideology. 

And then you hear about people like Michael Jeffries......---------------------------------->>>
Perhaps his way of thinking is just business, a marketing strategy, which has enable him to be a very successful businessman.  So does that make it OK?  I don't think so!!!!  Nonetheless, he does illustrate how our society views people.  If you are not pretty or skinny, you are not worth it!  You are not cool!  You are not happy!  And nobody wants to be with you!!!!!

So, how do we see ourselves?  Well.....  we for sure don't want to be fat, right?  Which means more people with low self-esteem, more people with depression, and more people with eating disorders and so on.....
How can we accept ourselves when everyone else is saying that you are not worth it?  How can we accept our bodies?  How can we stop this mentality to achieve a perfection that does not exist?  How can I help my student understand that there is nothing wrong with her body, and that her weight should not matter, when the world is telling her that it does?

How can I protect my girls from this societal pressure for the perfect body?????

So much evil in this world...............

Why are we so evil?  Why is our specie so capable of acts of hatred and destruction?  

Nobody is born evil, nobody is born hating, nobody is born bad, nobody is born afraid......  So, the only other explanation I can think of is the influence of our environment, our experiences, our culture, our society. 
Shouldn't we then stop and think of what is it that we are teaching, but most importantly, what are we learning?

Do we learn tolerance or discrimination?  Do we learn civility or selfishness?  Who are the role models in our society and what are they teaching?  So many questions, with very tough answers or none at all. 

It saddens me to see so much suffering and hatred towards one another.  Yes, we are different, we are diverse, but we are also the SAME.  We are all people who need other people to live.  We may have different language, or culture, or religion, but we are still people who need other people to live! 

If we keep going at this rate, we are going to make ourselves extinct.  Human kindness, innocence, hope, love......  will it be there?  Why is it so hard to extend our hand to help others?  Why does it seem so easy to hate and hurt????

I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and I just wish that we could all be more accepting and tolerant of our differences, because when you really look at it.... we are all the same.

I don't know what to do!!!!

I am reading the portfolios from my Psychology of Women class and I can't help it but think of how hard it is for women to accept their bodies and who they are......

Women are taught from a very early age that they have to look beautiful, young, sexy, but not too sexy, or you are just being a slut.   Look around... don't take it from me.  Look at the TV, look at the movies, look at the music....  look at the media!  They are all beautiful, young, sexy and happy!  They are all what we are trying to be.  They are all what we want to be.  However, the sad part is, this is not easy, and for some..... maybe impossible.  And the worst part of it, is that we have made the association that what is beautiful is good, that beautiful people are happy and you can only be happy if you are beautiful. 

How can we live in a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to a standard that is unattainable in the "real world"?  We have jobs, kids, and we get tired, and we have to cook, and we have to clean, and we have to go to school.....however..... we probably don't have a personal trainer, or a chef, or a 24/7 nanny, or........ the money to be able to have it all.    So again, why do women have the need to compare themselves to others?   The answer is too complex, which leads me to why I love to teach Psychology of Women.

In this class I try to teach my students self-respect and self-esteem.  I try to teach that you should exercise to be healthy and not to be a size 0.  I try to teach my students that they can be anyone THEY want to be, and that THEY can do anything THEY want.  I also try to teach them that they should embrace who they are, who they are not and who they want to be.  I try to teach them to stop comparing themselves to what the media wants them to be, and to just be who they are.

It is not always easy and I am not sure if they actually get the message, but if only 1 of them get it.... then it is worth it.

NORMAL????

After a student posted on Facebook about his professor not wanting him to use the word "normal," I replied: 

What is "normal" and "abnormal?" The explanation will depend on who is answering the question.  

However, one thing is for sure... "normal" is a very subjective characteristic used to describe something or someone. My "normal" may be your "abnormal" and your "normal" may be my "abnormal."  Does that mean that there is no such a thing as "normal?" One may argue that what does not exists is the "abnormal."  Since we all have a different view of what "normal" is, doesn't that mean that we are all "normal" and the existence of the "abnormal" is what makes us all "normal." 

.....  :)

How is it going to be?

I have a soon to be 6yo daughter, who started Kindergarten this year. I will be honest with you..... I was very anxious about M. going to school.  I tried not to show how scared I was for her, specially since she was counting the days to go to her "big kid school." 
M. is such an amazing little girl with a heart of gold.  She cares and she knows how important it is to be nice to people and help those who can't help themselves.  However, M. can also be very shy and would never hurt a fly...... and believe it or not, that was the reason for my anxiety before she started school. 

See.... my husband and I teach (or try to) our girls to be good to others, no matter what color, size or gender.  We don't judge people by the way they look, we help those in need, and we should always be nice.  We believe this to be essential components of good and decent members of society.  However....... I can't control the world, much less M's "big girl school."

I can't control what other parents are teaching or NOT teaching their kids, and I can't control, or foresee how kids will behave....  So, how do you teach a child to be nice and yet assertive?  How do you teach a child to not hit and yet defend those who need help?  How do you teach your child to stand up for what they believe?

I was worried that she would be picked on, for some random reason, and that she would not be able to stand up for herself.  You hear how mean kids are to each other, and  how much bullying goes around in schools.  Girls may not use fists but words can hurt as much, if not worse sometimes. 

So.... M started school and she loves it!  She has friends and she is learning so much. I am so happy and proud of her. 

..... I can't help it but wonder how it will be once she gets older.  Will she know how to respond to hateful words?  Will she help others in need?  Will we have to deal with bullying?  Will we have to worry about bullying?

Why am I so worried about these issues?  I am not sure....... perhaps because I am a mother who wants my kids to be happy and good.  But when I look around me I see so much hatred, so much intolerance, so much prejudice, so little compassion, so little understanding, too much emphasis on what does not matter and too little emphasis on what is important in life........  that is why I do wonder how it is going to be when the girls grow up.  What will the world be like? 


 

Illowa 2012

ILLOWA

39th Annual Undergraduate Psychology Conference

Hosted by The Department of Psychology

(AND)

Saturday April 28, 2012

This past weekend, my colleagues and I went to Eureka College in Illinois, to watch  undergraduate students present their research at a conference called Illowa, while also taking our undergraduate psychology students.


Wow! That's what I have to say. What a great experience to be able to watch these students present some very interesting studies!  The topics ranged from: GPA and college life involvement, reading comprehension and ebooks, drinking and academic behavior, to obesity and discrimination and many other ones.  It was such a pleasure to watch these students present their findings, or lack thereof, and watching them talk about their ideas and how they tested those ideas was priceless.


More activities like that should be part of undergraduate education. Students should be able to experience this form of education more often.   Learning is more than just books and a teacher in a classroom.  Learning is also the development of critical thinking, that we as educators, can help students develop with activities such as Illowa.

Knowledge is Power!!!!

Once I asked students:  "why are you here?"

"to get a degree to get a better job" replied one student.
"to transfer to a 4y college" said another student.
"so that I don't have to move out of my parents house," another student.
"I don't know!" said another student.

I have asked that same question many times, to many different students, and I have never heard " I am here because I want to learn!"

What happened to wanting to know things?  What happened to curiosity?  Remember when we were kids and everything was "why?"  But why?  why?  Parents got tired of answering the "why" questions, or simply ran out of "because" answers.  However, once we got older we no longer ask "why."  We no longer wonder why things are the way they are.

We forgot somehow that the more information we gain the more power we will have.   Now, I am not talking about physical power, I am talking about the power of making wise, rational choices.  The power of learning from past mistakes, yours or others.  The power to make your own decisions and the power to live through the consequences.  But most importantly the power to know who you are and what you can do with all this power.

Where did our curiosity go?

Putting 7-year-old on a diet: Responsible, or reprehensible?

Putting 7-year-old on a diet: Responsible, or reprehensible?


I am sure that the mother means well, specially because the pediatrician said that the child is obese, however... withholding food is not the correct way to go about this. 
There are healthier and better ways to insure that your child is healthy!!!  Exercise anyone!!!  Fruits!!! 

We have a very big issue in our culture:  Obesity! 
We have become obsessed with the way we look, "do those pants make my butt look big?"
The pressure to be skinny is very high, and sometimes people will take drastic measures to get there.  Therefore it is not surprising that eating disorders are so prevalent in our society,.... specially if you are a female.

Even when we try to promote healthy behavior, such as joining a gym to get regular physical activity, we still manage to send the wrong message.
"join the gym to lose weight!"   "join now to get a beach body!"   "to lose pregnancy weight!"   "to wear size 6!"  "to feel sexy!"

Instead we should be saying:
"join the gym to live longer!"  "to breathe better!"   "to not have a heart attack!"   "to have lower cholesterol!"   "to help with your blood pressure!"    "to be able to go up the stairs!"     "join the gym to be HEALTHIER!!!!"

What Matters!!!

The other day in my human sexuality class, we ended the class with the statement "spread love, not hatred!"

I know that I can be "cheesy" sometimes, but I really mean what I say to my students.  :)

As a society we need to learn to be accepting of others!  We have learned through our culture and our social norms that, if you don't fit in the paradigm that society has "invented," than you are wrong, or a sinner, or abnormal, or weird.  With this as part of our background we almost instinctively try to conform to the norms of society, whatever they may be. 

But what happens to those that do not, or cannot conform?  Those that society sees as outcasts? 
Well.... that is when discrimination, prejudice and hatred may come into place.  
We have become entitled to judge others and to believe that everyone must agree with us on everything. However, by thinking this way, we may have lost the perspective that the beauty of the world is in its diversity.  We don’t all have to share the same beliefs, and my conception of what morals and values are, may be very different from someone else or from a different society……. And guess what!!!  That is OK!  It is OK to be different; it is OK to be yourself!

It should not matter if you are white, black, green, yellow, or if you are gay, straight, bi, or Catholic, Muslim, Baptist, all that should matter is, that fundamental characteristic, that one that society seems to forget the most.  Are you a GOOD human being???  This is what should matter!!!!

Somehow we have forgotten what is really important.....

I love teaching!!!

I love my job, I really do!  I enjoy coming to work and teaching to my students everyday.  You never know what might happen in my classes, and the "that's what she said," never gets old, at least to me it doesn't!

This is how I see teaching:  
1. You can learn and have fun at the same time. 
2. You can get to know your students.  (Students are people too!)
3. You can learn from them.
4. You can join them or fight them.  (It is OK to text in my classes)
5. You can inspire them.
6. You can teach them more than what the book says.
7. You can open their mind to new things.
8. You can see them change
9. You can see them grow.
10. You can influence who they are going to be

I care about my students, I care if they are learning, I care if they are OK and I care to make a difference.  One by one, some may learn just psychology but hopefully many will learn much more. I teach more than just psychology!

Sexual Orientation is not so simple!

"the heterosexuality or homosexuality of many individuals is not an all-or-none proposition." Alfred Kinsey

Back from Spring Break

Back from Spring Break, however I really didn't have much of a break.  But here I am today, looking at the faces of my students, and excited to see them again.  Some are happy to be back, but some could use a little bit more time.......  who couldn't use more time?