MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

My worst nightmare happened on July 16th, 2013...   While having lunch with my 6yo daughter at a cafe, she said to me: "mommy I want to be just like you, skinny!"  I know what you are thinking, but it is NOT what you are thinking!

M.I.  often says that she wants to be like me, and that we are twins.  She does look a lot like me, however much prettier, and she has heard many people say how much we look alike and that we could be twins.  So, that statement of wanting to be just like mommy was just fine, what got to me was the last part.  The part when she said "skinny."  

So, going back to that conversation.  I said "mommy is not skinny, and why do you want to be skinny?"   She then said that she did not want to carry a belly, as she made movements with her arms around her belly.   So, I played dumb and told her that I didn't understand what she was saying.  "You know mom, I don't want to be......... I can't say that bad word."  What bad word?, I asked.  She said "I don't want to hurt people's feelings."  Just tell me in my ear and nobody will hear, I replied.  Then M.I. said, "I don't want to be fat, I want to be skinny."  As I was trying to keep it calm, so that she didn't think this conversation was a big deal, I casually asked.  "Why do you want to be skinny?"  Her reply: "because being skinny is prettier."

Yep..... my own daughter, my 6yo baby girl, my perfect child, already talking to me about NOT wanting to be FAT!   OMG!!!!  I can't believe that this is happening and she is only 6yo!!!   My husband and I try so hard to make sure we teach our girls that looks don't mean a thing.  It doesn't matter if you are tall or short, skinny or fat, poor or rich, blue or orange....... the only thing that matters is if you are a good person or not.  We are both psychologists and therefore aware of the pressure that society puts on girls to be skinny, beautiful and sexy.  We grow up with Barbie Dolls, and now Bratz dolls, and Monster High dolls.  And lets not forget all the princesses and how they all look skinny, sexy, tall and beautiful.  We are also very aware of the eating disorder epidemic that surrounds teenagers, specially teenage girls. 

In a study done by Ackard et al. (2007), showed that from a sample of 4,746 middle and high school students, 41.5% of girls and 24.9% of boys reported having body image issues.  Females with anorexia nervosa have a mortality rate 12 times higher than the general population, specially for those between the ages of 15 to 24 (Sullivan, 2002).  Even kids as young as 7 have been known to develop eating disorders (Bryant- Waugh & Lask, 2002).

So, when my 6yo daughter tells me that she wants to be skinny and that she doesn't want to be fat, I couldn't help it but feel a bit of a panic scream starting inside of me.  And, as I was trying so hard to keep my cool, I managed to say that it should not matter if you are skinny or fat, as long as you eat healthy and have a healthy heart.  And off course that she doesn't have to worry about being skinny or fat, she just needs to be healthy. 

Then just like that the conversation was over, but I could not stop wondering if it was my fault.  Did my husband and I unknowingly made comments about ourselves, or each other, or other people?  And if we did, did we say it in front of the girls?  So, as we entered the car to leave, I casually asked.  "Have mom or dad ever said anything about being skinny or fat?"  She answered no.  "Did you see it on TV or heard someone else at camp?"  She replied: "no, I just got that from my head."   "OK!" I replied and we left it at that.

How has she already made the association between skinny and beautiful?  Is my child that intelligent that she, unfortunately, has already learned society's expectations of beauty?  Did watching Cinderella made her want to be skinny?  Was it a commercial she saw?  Maybe she heard someone teasing somebody else.  Maybe it was me!  Maybe I didn't do a good job telling her that she is beautiful just the way she is.  Maybe I should tell her  more often that she should not want to be like anyone else, but that she should want to be just like HERSELF.  Maybe I should emphasize that it doesn't matter if you are skinny or fat, as long as your heart is healthy.  Maybe I haven't said that enough, I have said it occasionally, but maybe it wasn't enough, maybe I can do better as a mom, maybe.......

Santa Monica College and the USA

"Another shooting!  Another shooting in a college campus and five are dead!"  Said my husband as I walked into the living room yesterday.  "Are you serious?" I said.  

And I say it again, "are you serious?"   I keep trying to understand why these things seem to be happening more and more often.  I want to find someone to blame!  I want to blame someone!!!!  Maybe if we can find who is responsible for this, then we can try to solve it, maybe even stop it from happening again.    

But who is to blame?  What is to blame? I don't know, I don't have the answers.   I just have more questions.  Right now all I can think is...how much pain can a person endure before they break down? 

What I am trying to say is that; nobody wakes up one morning and decide to go kill people......  Something must have happened, something must have triggered that anger!  Perhaps the only way out of their crappy situation was to do these horrible acts of violence.   For example: a suicidal individual usually sees ending his/her life as the only way to end their suffering.  I'm sure there are better ways to resolve the situation, but for them, death is the only answer.   

So, when I heard of the shooting at the Santa Monica College yesterday, I pondered......  What makes someone do that?  how much pain and suffering was he feeling, to think that taking lives was the only solution?  How lonely was he when he made that decision?  And to me the most important question of all: for how long was he suffering alone before sharing the pain with his rifle?  

So as I sit here drenched in sorrow for those who lost loved ones, I am also devastated that we didn't do a better job at landing a hand to those who needed help, when they needed help.    

What is the future going to be like? Are parents still teaching compassion, love, tolerance, respect to their children?  Is society teaching it's citizen that we should work together to the betterment of all of us?  I want to save the world, I want to make the world a better place for my kids, for me, for US.... But it is just me against billions. 

If you are fat you are not cool?????

I just had one of my students admitted to an inpatient treatment facility because of an eating disorder.  
So I sit here and ponder... How many others are out there consumed with the idea of NOT being FAT? 
How many girls and boys are worried about how they look?  How many people hate their bodies?  How many others are out there hating themselves? How many????  
So as I sit here,  I get angry, sometimes frustrated, sad, but mostly very angry.  I get very angry because I worry that my girls will also be victims of this ideology. 

And then you hear about people like Michael Jeffries......---------------------------------->>>
Perhaps his way of thinking is just business, a marketing strategy, which has enable him to be a very successful businessman.  So does that make it OK?  I don't think so!!!!  Nonetheless, he does illustrate how our society views people.  If you are not pretty or skinny, you are not worth it!  You are not cool!  You are not happy!  And nobody wants to be with you!!!!!

So, how do we see ourselves?  Well.....  we for sure don't want to be fat, right?  Which means more people with low self-esteem, more people with depression, and more people with eating disorders and so on.....
How can we accept ourselves when everyone else is saying that you are not worth it?  How can we accept our bodies?  How can we stop this mentality to achieve a perfection that does not exist?  How can I help my student understand that there is nothing wrong with her body, and that her weight should not matter, when the world is telling her that it does?

How can I protect my girls from this societal pressure for the perfect body?????

So much evil in this world...............

Why are we so evil?  Why is our specie so capable of acts of hatred and destruction?  

Nobody is born evil, nobody is born hating, nobody is born bad, nobody is born afraid......  So, the only other explanation I can think of is the influence of our environment, our experiences, our culture, our society. 
Shouldn't we then stop and think of what is it that we are teaching, but most importantly, what are we learning?

Do we learn tolerance or discrimination?  Do we learn civility or selfishness?  Who are the role models in our society and what are they teaching?  So many questions, with very tough answers or none at all. 

It saddens me to see so much suffering and hatred towards one another.  Yes, we are different, we are diverse, but we are also the SAME.  We are all people who need other people to live.  We may have different language, or culture, or religion, but we are still people who need other people to live! 

If we keep going at this rate, we are going to make ourselves extinct.  Human kindness, innocence, hope, love......  will it be there?  Why is it so hard to extend our hand to help others?  Why does it seem so easy to hate and hurt????

I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and I just wish that we could all be more accepting and tolerant of our differences, because when you really look at it.... we are all the same.

I don't know what to do!!!!

I am reading the portfolios from my Psychology of Women class and I can't help it but think of how hard it is for women to accept their bodies and who they are......

Women are taught from a very early age that they have to look beautiful, young, sexy, but not too sexy, or you are just being a slut.   Look around... don't take it from me.  Look at the TV, look at the movies, look at the music....  look at the media!  They are all beautiful, young, sexy and happy!  They are all what we are trying to be.  They are all what we want to be.  However, the sad part is, this is not easy, and for some..... maybe impossible.  And the worst part of it, is that we have made the association that what is beautiful is good, that beautiful people are happy and you can only be happy if you are beautiful. 

How can we live in a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to a standard that is unattainable in the "real world"?  We have jobs, kids, and we get tired, and we have to cook, and we have to clean, and we have to go to school.....however..... we probably don't have a personal trainer, or a chef, or a 24/7 nanny, or........ the money to be able to have it all.    So again, why do women have the need to compare themselves to others?   The answer is too complex, which leads me to why I love to teach Psychology of Women.

In this class I try to teach my students self-respect and self-esteem.  I try to teach that you should exercise to be healthy and not to be a size 0.  I try to teach my students that they can be anyone THEY want to be, and that THEY can do anything THEY want.  I also try to teach them that they should embrace who they are, who they are not and who they want to be.  I try to teach them to stop comparing themselves to what the media wants them to be, and to just be who they are.

It is not always easy and I am not sure if they actually get the message, but if only 1 of them get it.... then it is worth it.

NORMAL????

After a student posted on Facebook about his professor not wanting him to use the word "normal," I replied: 

What is "normal" and "abnormal?" The explanation will depend on who is answering the question.  

However, one thing is for sure... "normal" is a very subjective characteristic used to describe something or someone. My "normal" may be your "abnormal" and your "normal" may be my "abnormal."  Does that mean that there is no such a thing as "normal?" One may argue that what does not exists is the "abnormal."  Since we all have a different view of what "normal" is, doesn't that mean that we are all "normal" and the existence of the "abnormal" is what makes us all "normal." 

.....  :)

How is it going to be?

I have a soon to be 6yo daughter, who started Kindergarten this year. I will be honest with you..... I was very anxious about M. going to school.  I tried not to show how scared I was for her, specially since she was counting the days to go to her "big kid school." 
M. is such an amazing little girl with a heart of gold.  She cares and she knows how important it is to be nice to people and help those who can't help themselves.  However, M. can also be very shy and would never hurt a fly...... and believe it or not, that was the reason for my anxiety before she started school. 

See.... my husband and I teach (or try to) our girls to be good to others, no matter what color, size or gender.  We don't judge people by the way they look, we help those in need, and we should always be nice.  We believe this to be essential components of good and decent members of society.  However....... I can't control the world, much less M's "big girl school."

I can't control what other parents are teaching or NOT teaching their kids, and I can't control, or foresee how kids will behave....  So, how do you teach a child to be nice and yet assertive?  How do you teach a child to not hit and yet defend those who need help?  How do you teach your child to stand up for what they believe?

I was worried that she would be picked on, for some random reason, and that she would not be able to stand up for herself.  You hear how mean kids are to each other, and  how much bullying goes around in schools.  Girls may not use fists but words can hurt as much, if not worse sometimes. 

So.... M started school and she loves it!  She has friends and she is learning so much. I am so happy and proud of her. 

..... I can't help it but wonder how it will be once she gets older.  Will she know how to respond to hateful words?  Will she help others in need?  Will we have to deal with bullying?  Will we have to worry about bullying?

Why am I so worried about these issues?  I am not sure....... perhaps because I am a mother who wants my kids to be happy and good.  But when I look around me I see so much hatred, so much intolerance, so much prejudice, so little compassion, so little understanding, too much emphasis on what does not matter and too little emphasis on what is important in life........  that is why I do wonder how it is going to be when the girls grow up.  What will the world be like?