My worst nightmare happened on July 16th, 2013... While having lunch with my 6yo daughter at a cafe, she said to me: "mommy I want to be just like you, skinny!" I know what you are thinking, but it is NOT what you are thinking!
M.I. often says that she wants to be like me, and that we are twins. She does look a lot like me, however much prettier, and she has heard many people say how much we look alike and that we could be twins. So, that statement of wanting to be just like mommy was just fine, what got to me was the last part. The part when she said "skinny."
So, going back to that conversation. I said "mommy is not skinny, and why do you want to be skinny?" She then said that she did not want to carry a belly, as she made movements with her arms around her belly. So, I played dumb and told her that I didn't understand what she was saying. "You know mom, I don't want to be......... I can't say that bad word." What bad word?, I asked. She said "I don't want to hurt people's feelings." Just tell me in my ear and nobody will hear, I replied. Then M.I. said, "I don't want to be fat, I want to be skinny." As I was trying to keep it calm, so that she didn't think this conversation was a big deal, I casually asked. "Why do you want to be skinny?" Her reply: "because being skinny is prettier."
Yep..... my own daughter, my 6yo baby girl, my perfect child, already talking to me about NOT wanting to be FAT! OMG!!!! I can't believe that this is happening and she is only 6yo!!! My husband and I try so hard to make sure we teach our girls that looks don't mean a thing. It doesn't matter if you are tall or short, skinny or fat, poor or rich, blue or orange....... the only thing that matters is if you are a good person or not. We are both psychologists and therefore aware of the pressure that society puts on girls to be skinny, beautiful and sexy. We grow up with Barbie Dolls, and now Bratz dolls, and Monster High dolls. And lets not forget all the princesses and how they all look skinny, sexy, tall and beautiful. We are also very aware of the eating disorder epidemic that surrounds teenagers, specially teenage girls.
In a study done by Ackard et al. (2007), showed that from a sample of 4,746 middle and high school students, 41.5% of girls and 24.9% of boys reported having body image issues. Females with anorexia nervosa have a mortality rate 12 times higher than the general population, specially for those between the ages of 15 to 24 (Sullivan, 2002). Even kids as young as 7 have been known to develop eating disorders (Bryant- Waugh & Lask, 2002).
So, when my 6yo daughter tells me that she wants to be skinny and that she doesn't want to be fat, I couldn't help it but feel a bit of a panic scream starting inside of me. And, as I was trying so hard to keep my cool, I managed to say that it should not matter if you are skinny or fat, as long as you eat healthy and have a healthy heart. And off course that she doesn't have to worry about being skinny or fat, she just needs to be healthy.
Then just like that the conversation was over, but I could not stop wondering if it was my fault. Did my husband and I unknowingly made comments about ourselves, or each other, or other people? And if we did, did we say it in front of the girls? So, as we entered the car to leave, I casually asked. "Have mom or dad ever said anything about being skinny or fat?" She answered no. "Did you see it on TV or heard someone else at camp?" She replied: "no, I just got that from my head." "OK!" I replied and we left it at that.
How has she already made the association between skinny and beautiful? Is my child that intelligent that she, unfortunately, has already learned society's expectations of beauty? Did watching Cinderella made her want to be skinny? Was it a commercial she saw? Maybe she heard someone teasing somebody else. Maybe it was me! Maybe I didn't do a good job telling her that she is beautiful just the way she is. Maybe I should tell her more often that she should not want to be like anyone else, but that she should want to be just like HERSELF. Maybe I should emphasize that it doesn't matter if you are skinny or fat, as long as your heart is healthy. Maybe I haven't said that enough, I have said it occasionally, but maybe it wasn't enough, maybe I can do better as a mom, maybe.......
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